Lost in Translation (from English to English)

"An Englishman's way of speaking absolutely classifies him.
The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him.
One common language I'm afraid we'll never get,
Oh, why can't the English learn to

set a good example to people whose
English is painful to your ears?
The Scots and the Irish leave you close to tears.
There even are places where English completely disappears.

In America, they haven't used it for years!"

Henry Higgins, My Fair Lady

Isn't it funny how we all speak English, but our geography (or generation) makes communication a little difficult. Whilst living in Tennant Creek I once commented to a sickly American tourist that it was unfortunate that he was 'crook'. He took offence thinking I was accusing him of some felonious act. As with Professor Higgins above I put it down to the Atlantic (in our case the Pacific) gap in civilisation.

But on our trip to the UK I found similar issues. The English language is murdered even in its originating country. Not that I have the authority to pick (I have an infuriating habit of using 'me' instead of 'my' when using the possessive pronoun) but Christine and I did find it a little hard to communicate on the odd occasion. I had to ask people to repeat themselves, with me feigning a hearing problem, just so I could have another go at translating.

Of course accents don't help. It seems as though you can be born twenty miles away from your neighbour and speak differently. We loved the Welsh, but many of them may as well have been speaking Latin (actually I might have understood a bit of Latin).

Also, technical terms take on new connotations. As I was picking up the hire car I felt I needed to query why I needed to pay a deposit when I had already pre-paid . The incredulous reply was "You always pay a deposit when you hire a car" (thanks for the clarification lady). After a little to-ing and fro-ing I found our this was the money held as insurance in the case of a late drop off. Maybe we call it that in Australia too, but I'd never heard the term used that way before.

The local vernacular is a little hard to come to grips with as well. How the heck do you get "hello and how are you" from "ay oop"? Although some colloquialisms like 'sweeties' are not too far from our 'sweets' and cabmen obviously drive taxis (cabs). Christine picked up the lingo quickly which saved her from some of the embarrassment her husband faced with his Aussie ways.

My best English faux pas (I know it's French, work with me here) was in Cardiff. All holiday Christine and I had been sampling the best of British packet chips (Pipers' West Country Cheddar and Onion win). In the UK they are referred to as crisps, leaving the term chips for the hot fried variety. Here I am, standing at a dimly lit Cardiff bar with my mate Michael, two pints of Brains Bitter in my hands, and I spy a long line of crisps behind the barmaid. As I intently study the different labels, debating whether we should spoil our dinner with a couple of packets, the barmaid enquires if I need anything else. Deciding we don't need pre-dinner munchies, I reply: "No," I'm just checking out your chips." With that, Michael leads me away quickly from the bar. He was nearly bursting with laughter. Not 10 degrees away from my line of vision was the barmaid's ample cleavage (what some Englishmen would call a great set of Bristols). Michael told me later that her face went from shock to comprehension, which possibly saved me from getting thrown out of the pub. Those in my family will understand what I mean, when I say that it was definitely a 'Roger moment'.

So in Professor Higgins' words "Why can't the English, learn to speak?" (like me).